Against Everything
by Zoja
Summary: Love is never easy. It is even more difficult when the woman you can't imagine your life without, and the woman with whom you decided to spend your whole life, are two completely different people. AoU compliant; Clint/Natasha with mentions of Clint/Laura


**Disclaimer:** I don't own The Avengers or any of the characters. No profit was made from this work and none will be sought. This is for entertainment purposes only.

Written for **Marta (SanAngle)** , who gave me inspiration for this little story. A big thank you to **Loonyloops** , who corrected my mistakes.

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 **Against Everything**

He sighed looking at the woman lying in his arms. Her head was resting on his chest and one of her hands was placed in the spot exactly over his heart, as if she was subconsciously trying to make sure that it was still beating, like she had done so many times in the past. He knew she was sleeping. He was able to point out the exact moment when she had fallen asleep, although he had no doubts that if anything was to happen she would react immediately. Natasha never fully let her guard down, she only sometimes allowed herself to lower it a bit. Once, in a moment of honesty – after she had drunk quite a bit of alcohol – she admitted that it only happened when she slept at his side because he was the only person she had ever truly trusted. Even though he was quite drunk himself, those words made such a huge impression on him that he would never be able to forget them.

To hear something like this from her meant a lot to him. He had worked really hard for many years in order to gain her trust. He started exactly at the moment he was aiming at her with an arrow and realized that he couldn't let it go. Her case was the first time he had missed a shot during a mission. It had never happened before, but the moment he released the arrow it slipped and hit her shoulder, pinning her to the wall. Then, when he ran closer, unable to believe what had just happened, he saw the look in her eyes, a mix of disbelief and indifference at the fact that her life was completely in his hands; he understood then that he couldn't complete his mission. That wasn't what he expected, when he had received it. He knew Black Widow's reputation, of course. He had read her file and was aware that she was one of the most efficient and ruthless assassins in the world. That was the person he expected to face, not a girl no older than twenty who seemed to fully accept the fact that her life had come to an end. Obviously, it wasn't easy to get this trust and the awareness that he managed to do it filled him with an enormous pride.

However, it also tormented his conscience quite a lot. In fact, that wasn't the only thing that caused this uncomfortable feeling, as it was a true statement about his whole complicated relationship with Natasha. He had a wife and three children, and yet, instead of going back to his wife, or at least giving her a call, he was in his best friend's quarters, lying in bed with her barely moments after they had passionate sex. As if that wasn't enough, it wasn't the first time it had happened and, if it was up to him, it wouldn't be the last. He loved Laura and the kids, and he would sacrifice everything for them; well, almost, because Natasha was also a big part of his life and he would jump into the fire for her, both literally and metaphorically, which he had proved more than a few times over the years he had known her. She was like the most addictive drug which he simply couldn't give up, no matter how much he wanted. And he had tried, really.

Both she and his wife were worth more than he was giving them. Laura was a truly wonderful woman, the mother of his children who were the best thing that ever happened in his life, and she didn't deserve for her husband to regularly cheat on her with his partner. It wasn't the way he should thank her for her understanding, for everything she had sacrificed for him. When he met her she was a young journalist with a great career waiting ahead, but she had given it all up for him and moved to a farm in the middle of nowhere, where the closest neighbour lived several miles away, living in hiding for many years. Natasha, on the other hand, deserved a man who would be able to give her his whole heart, who she would mean the world to and not someone for whom she would only be the best friend and a secret lover.

It was the reason why he decided to end this romance no matter how much it hurt him to do so. Natasha, just like he expected, wasn't angry at him. She had known about Laura since the very beginning, and she was actually the one encouraging him to invest in the relationship when he first mentioned the other woman. She never expected he would end that relationship for her, so she didn't make a scene, when he told her about his intention. She even seemed to understand his reasons, but even though she tried really hard not to show it, he was aware that deep in her heart, he had hurt her with his decision. A lot of people wouldn't be able to see it, but he knew her well enough to notice the way she looked at him for barely a fraction of a second. It was exactly the same expression which appeared on her face only a few months earlier when she realized Banner had truly finished the transmission, cutting her away from himself. When he later managed to get her to talk to him, she actually confessed how much it had hurt.

He managed to survive without her for a year and a half. Those were probably the longest eighteen months in his life, and surely the most frustrating ones. He missed her all the time, the closeness they used to share and even though she was right there, within arm's reach, he stubbornly reminded himself that he couldn't do that. Then he also had to watch how her relationship with Banner developed. No, he wasn't completely oblivious about it, despite his attempt to convince Laura otherwise. He couldn't deny he was happy that there was finally a way to control Hulk, at least to some degree, but watching them together was driving him crazy. Listening to Natasha telling him about her frustrations with Banner's hesitation to be in a relationship with her was pure torture. Plus, it took all his willpower to prevent himself from taking his bow and putting an arrow right between Banner's eyes when he would accidentally bump into them, flirting so openly. He didn't even care for an excuse. Just the way he was looking at _HIS_ Tasha was enough.

He had no right to refer to her as that, but it still remained the way he would call her in his mind. He was the only person besides his family, who she allowed to shorten her name. She seemed to absolutely hate it when someone would do that, something he understood really quickly sometime at the beginning of their acquaintance, when he called her 'Natty'. He had no doubts that she hit the exact spot she was aiming for, but the sole fact that the knife, which she was holding in her hand just few seconds earlier, hit the wall barely an inch away from his head was enough to make him forget about calling her anything but Natasha for the next several years. It was because of his son that she eventually opened up to the idea of shortening her name because the boy, who had just begun to speak, was completely unable to repeat its full form. This was the moment when Auntie Natasha became Auntie Nat and it was who she remained to this day, and even he and Laura began calling her Nat. She was Natasha for him mainly when he talked to someone else about her or when he wanted her to open up to him, because he could see something was bothering her. Sometimes, she was Tasha, but it happened only when they were alone. They both knew it carried everything that they couldn't or shouldn't voice. In those moments, however, when he would see her with Bruce and was filled with an unbelievable jealousy and possessiveness, his mind would mark her as _his Tasha_ , even though she never was and would never be his.

He couldn't allow himself to think that way, especially since he really wanted her to find someon, with whom she could be happy. Despite that, he wasn't able to be happy with this situation and, because of that, he started to avoid her, doing his best to put as much distance between them as possible. Missions were the only exception because it was a known fact that they had always worked best when they worked together. He had to admit that he was doing quite a good job with it, even though he really missed the best friend he had ever had. He used to spend most of his free time with her. They would sit on the couch watching a match, a movie, or any other TV program, drinking beer or, after a more difficult mission, maybe even something stronger. About the fact that after those missions they would usually spend a very long and passionate time in bed – if they even managed to get there - as if reassuring themselves and celebrating that they were back in one piece, he tried not to think at all. It wasn't the direction he should allow his thoughts to drift.

It was no surprise that it was one of those missions that opened his eyes and he was no longer able to pretend that he had moved on. When he realized that the fight with a man, who wasn't even supposed to be there in the first place, delayed her so much that she didn't have enough time to leave before the building would explode, he felt as if someone had pumped all the air out of his lungs. He didn't register the passage of time. He wasn't even aware that Steve had to hold him in order to prevent him from running inside to get her out. All he could think about was that Natasha was inside. He kept screaming at her to get out of there, not to dare do this to him. Then, when time had run out and the shockwave knocked both him and the Captain to the ground, he didn't even feel like standing up.

It was as if time had stopped for him. Barely few minutes had passed, but for him it could have been a whole eternity. He was lying on the ground, completely numb, with the image of Natasha in front of his eyes the way he loved her the most – looking at him with a smile on her face, an honest smile that reached her beautiful green eyes, sparkling with happiness and beaming with feelings he didn't dare to name. He kept whispering her name like a mantra, unable to believe that he would never see her again and feeling as if his life had ended in that moment as well.

He snapped out of it only when Steve shook him and helped him stand up, pointing to a spot somewhere above them. He looked in that direction and even though he was still quite a distance away from them, he recognized Iron Man without any difficulties. However, it wasn't the Iron Man, who caught his attention; it was the person in his arms. The relief he felt when he realized Tony had managed to get there in time to get her out of the building was indescribable. Stark barely managed to place her on the ground before he was at her side, pulling her close and holding onto her for dear life. He could feel that his reaction surprised her when her whole body tensed as he pressed her against himself but she quickly recovered and hugged him back with an equal determination.

From this moment on, he didn't leave her side. She wasn't injured, although he later noticed bruises on her bodies which were the result of the unexpected fight, but she agreed for the medical check-up for the sake of having him stop asking if she was fine. They didn't exchange a word during this whole time, but he could feel her gaze on him most of the time and he would look at her every now and then too, fighting an internal battle at the same time. He walked her to her quarters in silence and nodded his head when she looked at him with an invitation in her eyes. They hadn't needed words to communicate for years now, and he was happy to see that it hadn't changed.

"Clint..?" she asked after a moment, approaching him when she noticed he was still standing in the doorway.

She had watched him for a while and she didn't need to have as good eyesight as he had to notice his hesitation. She wasn't stupid either. Even before they returned to the Avengers Tower, she realized that the wall he had been building between them so intently for the last months, collapsed along with that exploding building. Barton himself seemed to be uncertain whether he should repair it as quickly as possible, or maybe keep it this way.

Her gentle touch on his shoulder, the gesture she always used to make him look at her, was all he needed. His decision was made the moment their gazes met. Before she realized, he cupped her face in his hands looking into her eyes and the next thing she registered were his lips crashing on hers. This time, there was absolutely no delay in her reaction. She kissed him back, wrapping her arms around his neck, pulling him inside and kicking the door closed. He didn't need any more encouragement. He deepened the kiss, tangling one of his hands in her hair, while he placed his other arm around her waist, pressing her tightly against his own body.

"Are you sure..?" she asked while, kissing her neck and unzipping her suit, he pushed her gently towards the bedroom. "There is no turning back afterwards. I won't be a toy you can put on the shelf every time you decide you should devote yourself completely to your family."

"Tasha…" he whispered, meeting her eyes again. She didn't need to say that directly for him to understand that it was how she felt when he had pushed her away. The way she spoke this sentence was more than enough. It was only then that he realized just how much he had really hurt her, even though she would never admit that if asked. "You have never been a toy to me…" he stated, and even though it was all he said, she had no problems understanding what he wanted to tell her. His eyes reflected his thoughts and feelings perfectly. He didn't need words to make her see how much he cared for her, and it was that small moment when he thought he had lost her, that made him realize how mistaken he had been. He had tried, and maybe even wanted it because it was the right thing to do, but, despite all his efforts, he wasn't able to let her go.

This time it was her who closed the distance between them. The kiss she placed on his lips had nothing to do with the urgency of the previous one. It was gentle and slow, carrying everything they wanted to share with each other and what they didn't dare to say out-loud. It included Clint's unspoken promise to never fight his feelings for her again, what he kept reassuring her about with his actions while he made love to her and reacquainted himself with every inch of her body.

She brought him back from his reverie when she shifted slightly, snuggling closer to him, holding her arm across his chest possessively. He tightened his grip around her shoulders, kissing the top of her head and smiled when she murmured something unintelligible. His heart skipped a beat at the sole memory of the words she whispered to him earlier, that she was willing to accept whatever he was willing to offer. She didn't demand anything from him, other than the promise he would never push her away again. She didn't expect him to give up everything he had been working on for so long and leave Laura. She had never hoped that one day he would belong just to her. She once told him that she knew how much his family meant to him and she couldn't demand that he give them up for her, especially since she wasn't even able to offer him a family herself. She also admitted that she felt bad about this whole situation too, because she really liked his wife and children, and was happy they saw her as a part of their family. However, just like him, she couldn't imagine her life without him.

He was aware how much those words meant spoken by a person who was forced to get rid of her feelings at a very young age. Natasha didn't believe in love and it was the closest thing to a confession of love that he would ever hear coming from her. He would lie if he said that he wasn't scared by it. Everything would be so much easier if their relationship was purely physical, but it wasn't meant to be. He loved her, and it seemed that she reciprocated those feelings. It wasn't something they could simply turn off at any given moment. The truth was that even if it made his life complicated once again, for the first time in over a year he felt truly happy. Laura, Lila, Cooper and Nathaniel meant the world for him, but even they weren't able to fill the emptiness in his heart. There was only one person in the world who could do that. His life was truly perfect only as long as he had Natasha at his side.


End file.
